The Kabbalists believe that the Creator is unchanging and is only capable of creating and bestowing. I'm interested in the unchanging part of the Creator. I have read or watched somewhere before about the unchanging nature of the Creator. Immovable, unshakeable, unchanging and eternal is some of the descriptive words of the Creator that interest me. Not sure why. But let us now try and investigate into the matter.
If I have a solid conviction, something I believe is truly good and beneficial, I would want to be like the Creator in terms of the unshakeable foundation of said belief or understanding or knowing. Problem is, I don't have a solid conviction of anything. Because I know nothing!! Doubt, lots and lots of doubt. Always doubting my own understanding, doubting others and doubting everything. So I think in order to be more like the Creator, I'm going to need to really consider my own convictions to the point where I can no longer doubt it anymore. But is that even possible for a human? We can't possibly know anything for sure. And that is a fact. And if you don't know anything for sure, how can you not doubt? The only people I know who can sort of do this are the religious people believing blindly in their faith etc. And I don't ever want to be like that. In fact, I see it as a total opposite of the unchanging notion of the Creator. Again, I'm not sure why but that's how I feel.
I really need to oobe to find some answers. And I will. It's only a matter of time. Haven't had much luck with the oobeing lately. Don't even remember my dreams but meditation sessions have been fruitful so at least it's something!
Thursday, 6 December 2018
Monday, 3 December 2018
Nationalization and its Discontent
I was reading an oobe article about how having oobe and nde can help people realize some important issues about life and such and one of the main points is about nationalization and its discontent. Apparently, oobe helps to
"overcome our current life conditioning and to be able to see ourselves in a broader context. Thus, we are able to extract and recognise our essence from our current country, race, religion, gender, language, family position, social class and others; and we realise that we are the sum of all those experiences and not just the current states of being... Trying to look for an ideal common denominator of what to strive for, which goes beyond this one single life is also something OBE helps us with" -from Alexander deFoe's Consciousness Beyond The Body: Evidence and Reflections
So it got me thinking about where I stand in terms of these issues, especially the one about nationalization and I had to backtrack on a few lifetimes to see the evolution process of my opinion. Ok, maybe not a few lifetimes, but more like eras in this lifetime.
I remember the cough mixture episode when the Hindu God Brahma was explaining to me about how everything is one and I also strongly felt and understood that concept of one-ness. I was high then so the revelations obviously didn't count.
Then I took the course on nationalization and its discontent in uni and I didn't really applied it to myself personally because of the nature of the stupid course. If I applied my own understanding and beliefs to the course, I would've fucking failed it because I'd be like "why the fucking nationalism and discontent? Nonsense waste of precious time." That, as you can see is not very critical thinking. So I had to put all my feelings aside and fucking read about the issues being studied and trying to understand it from the course's point of view, the importance of these so called "issues" and the who, what, when, how and why.
So I was still quite nationalistic then. Was proud to be a Malaysian and would not want to be anything else because why would I? I didn't believe in the idea of war and shit but if I had to go to war to defend my country, I probably might. Not because I was such a fucking patriot but because hey, I'm Malaysian and if my country need me, I'll be there. Besides, when you're young and invincible and free of responsibilities, you'd do anything for a bit of action, why not do it for a worthy cause?
I remember my sister was quite the patriot back in those days and being the annoying younger sister, you always want to be just like your older sister. Not to mention that eventually in school, they sort of drum nationalism into you.
Then I met Nebs, I was still quite loyal to my country then. We talked about citizenship and I'd still rather be Malaysian then because I would not want to be anything else. Then Najib went and screwed the whole country up and I was ready to give up my Malaysian citizenship if need be. And I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only one. But there wasn't a need then, and thankfully, not anymore now.
My studies in search for the truth now probably didn't change my mind to my personal notions of nationalism and such. It has still remained the same in the sense that I don't think one's nationality should define oneself. To me, Malaysia now is just the place I was born and raised and where the food is really undeniably good. I can't really call it home because my family are not even there most of the time. Home will always be where I am now with my loving husband and beautiful kids, wherever the fuck we may be.
Having lived in Australia and now in Indonesia probably also opened up my eyes and mind. We've had to move so many times it's not even funny. Having to put our stuff in storage most of the time has taught me that we really don't need much material possessions to survive and be happy. If anything, the motto 'less is more' rings truer than ever when you live the life of a gypsy, which we sort of do.
And Kupang now teaching me more interesting and valuable lessons I might never learn anywhere else in the world - unless we move to some 4th world warring corner, which will be a different story for another day. Not only do we not have our possessions here, we can't even procure some of the stuff we regularly used. Here in Kupang, you simply learn to "make do without". And I'm not even talking about material things or civilized comforts. Clean water is what I'm talking about. The most basic necessity in this day and age. But Kupang is obviously not of this day and age. Then it makes me think about those really 4th world corners where it's a thousand times worse. At least we get decent drinkable water (I just try not to consider too much about the source. You know, whatever doesn't kill you...)
So in terms of the basic civilized comforts, Kupang probably get a 5 out of 10 and I'm being quite generous here. Anyhow, it doesn't even matter what Kupang or Barooga or KL scored because at the end of the day, you'll always learn to "make do" wherever you are because life really is about "making do" wherever you are. Nowadays, I won't be out fighting a war for my country because I'm already in constant battles with the kids. And I honestly think now from a grown up point of view, I really still don't give a fuck about what Hobbes thought was going to be the divide of the civilizations. Who fucking cares, we're too busy "making do".
"overcome our current life conditioning and to be able to see ourselves in a broader context. Thus, we are able to extract and recognise our essence from our current country, race, religion, gender, language, family position, social class and others; and we realise that we are the sum of all those experiences and not just the current states of being... Trying to look for an ideal common denominator of what to strive for, which goes beyond this one single life is also something OBE helps us with" -from Alexander deFoe's Consciousness Beyond The Body: Evidence and Reflections
So it got me thinking about where I stand in terms of these issues, especially the one about nationalization and I had to backtrack on a few lifetimes to see the evolution process of my opinion. Ok, maybe not a few lifetimes, but more like eras in this lifetime.
I remember the cough mixture episode when the Hindu God Brahma was explaining to me about how everything is one and I also strongly felt and understood that concept of one-ness. I was high then so the revelations obviously didn't count.
Then I took the course on nationalization and its discontent in uni and I didn't really applied it to myself personally because of the nature of the stupid course. If I applied my own understanding and beliefs to the course, I would've fucking failed it because I'd be like "why the fucking nationalism and discontent? Nonsense waste of precious time." That, as you can see is not very critical thinking. So I had to put all my feelings aside and fucking read about the issues being studied and trying to understand it from the course's point of view, the importance of these so called "issues" and the who, what, when, how and why.
So I was still quite nationalistic then. Was proud to be a Malaysian and would not want to be anything else because why would I? I didn't believe in the idea of war and shit but if I had to go to war to defend my country, I probably might. Not because I was such a fucking patriot but because hey, I'm Malaysian and if my country need me, I'll be there. Besides, when you're young and invincible and free of responsibilities, you'd do anything for a bit of action, why not do it for a worthy cause?
I remember my sister was quite the patriot back in those days and being the annoying younger sister, you always want to be just like your older sister. Not to mention that eventually in school, they sort of drum nationalism into you.
Then I met Nebs, I was still quite loyal to my country then. We talked about citizenship and I'd still rather be Malaysian then because I would not want to be anything else. Then Najib went and screwed the whole country up and I was ready to give up my Malaysian citizenship if need be. And I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only one. But there wasn't a need then, and thankfully, not anymore now.
My studies in search for the truth now probably didn't change my mind to my personal notions of nationalism and such. It has still remained the same in the sense that I don't think one's nationality should define oneself. To me, Malaysia now is just the place I was born and raised and where the food is really undeniably good. I can't really call it home because my family are not even there most of the time. Home will always be where I am now with my loving husband and beautiful kids, wherever the fuck we may be.
Having lived in Australia and now in Indonesia probably also opened up my eyes and mind. We've had to move so many times it's not even funny. Having to put our stuff in storage most of the time has taught me that we really don't need much material possessions to survive and be happy. If anything, the motto 'less is more' rings truer than ever when you live the life of a gypsy, which we sort of do.
And Kupang now teaching me more interesting and valuable lessons I might never learn anywhere else in the world - unless we move to some 4th world warring corner, which will be a different story for another day. Not only do we not have our possessions here, we can't even procure some of the stuff we regularly used. Here in Kupang, you simply learn to "make do without". And I'm not even talking about material things or civilized comforts. Clean water is what I'm talking about. The most basic necessity in this day and age. But Kupang is obviously not of this day and age. Then it makes me think about those really 4th world corners where it's a thousand times worse. At least we get decent drinkable water (I just try not to consider too much about the source. You know, whatever doesn't kill you...)
So in terms of the basic civilized comforts, Kupang probably get a 5 out of 10 and I'm being quite generous here. Anyhow, it doesn't even matter what Kupang or Barooga or KL scored because at the end of the day, you'll always learn to "make do" wherever you are because life really is about "making do" wherever you are. Nowadays, I won't be out fighting a war for my country because I'm already in constant battles with the kids. And I honestly think now from a grown up point of view, I really still don't give a fuck about what Hobbes thought was going to be the divide of the civilizations. Who fucking cares, we're too busy "making do".
Thursday, 22 November 2018
The 2 Consciousness
I remember now when I was trying to maintain awareness so as not to fall asleep the other day when attempting oobe, something very interesting happened. It seemed like my consciousness was split into two because I remember one part of my consciousness was trying to maintain awareness and it seem quite aware of what it was doing. The other part, was drifting off to sleep but wasn't quite in the sleep zone yet. It would be something like what Bob would call the free floating zone when thoughts are just loosely floating about and creating their own images or storyline. I remember thinking to myself how weird is that I'm fully focusing on two mental tasks at the same time and how cool was it.
Needless to say, I didn't end up oobeing for some unknown reason. But it's only a matter of time that I will be oobeing. I can feel it in my sleeps!!
Needless to say, I didn't end up oobeing for some unknown reason. But it's only a matter of time that I will be oobeing. I can feel it in my sleeps!!
Thursday, 11 October 2018
Inception
I've been having a lot of dreams which I can't be bothered much to remember because my aim is mainly to catch myself in my dreams and become aware so that I can proceed to the next phase. After many failed attempts, I finally managed to wake up in a dream last night or this morning and I was thinking to myself "Yahoo!! I did it!".
So I decided to go and visit Lam, because that was one of the things I intended to do when I achieve oobe. And so I was in Lam's room and everything was still weird but I gullibly believed in this dream inception that I was in his room. Only when I awoke from this dream within a dream that I realized the whole scenario in his room was just another dream! So I didn't bother to recall any details about the stupid dream.
Why?! I asked my asshole subconscious. Why not? Is the asshole answer I got. Well my subconscious may have won the battle this time but I'm one step closer to winning the war because I am now aware that my subconscious is an asshole and can take precautionary measures against being duped again in the future.
It gets a lot harder for me now that I can't even trust myself but I suppose it makes my work easier now because I know I can't trust myself.
So I decided to go and visit Lam, because that was one of the things I intended to do when I achieve oobe. And so I was in Lam's room and everything was still weird but I gullibly believed in this dream inception that I was in his room. Only when I awoke from this dream within a dream that I realized the whole scenario in his room was just another dream! So I didn't bother to recall any details about the stupid dream.
Why?! I asked my asshole subconscious. Why not? Is the asshole answer I got. Well my subconscious may have won the battle this time but I'm one step closer to winning the war because I am now aware that my subconscious is an asshole and can take precautionary measures against being duped again in the future.
It gets a lot harder for me now that I can't even trust myself but I suppose it makes my work easier now because I know I can't trust myself.
Wednesday, 26 September 2018
The Search for God
Nebs, So I was telling you about this dude with his blog, talking about a true spiritual awakening/ kundalini nonsense, it might not be nonsense but if what he says is true then I will never know if it really is nonsense because I have decided that it is nonsense to me. I'm no longer reading his crap because I find that he is repeating himself nonsensically. You of all people would understand that written words speaks from the heart more sincerely than spoken words. We take our time to grammar nazi ourselves when writing something down, not so much when we're trying to be bitchy verbally. Well, I find him quite bitchy in his blog posts and it would say a lot about someone based on their BLOG posts because he has all the time in the world to edit his bitchyness but he didn't which brings us to the conclusion that he really think so highly of himself. We have no time for people like such.
Besides, it's fucking crazy. I mean having some spiritual awakening without having control over your own body!? That's just like a another mushroom high! Maybe even worse because it's self induced. Why would I want to do that? I have not forgotten that the reason why I chose this path is because I have temporarily denounce the junkie path. And the reason why I temporarily denounced the junkie path is because I have no control over myself if I go that way. I believe there is a way I can get there without losing control over myself and I will keep searching and I will find the true path and you will be there with me 100%
I won't go anywhere without you nebs because we're in this together
Besides, it's fucking crazy. I mean having some spiritual awakening without having control over your own body!? That's just like a another mushroom high! Maybe even worse because it's self induced. Why would I want to do that? I have not forgotten that the reason why I chose this path is because I have temporarily denounce the junkie path. And the reason why I temporarily denounced the junkie path is because I have no control over myself if I go that way. I believe there is a way I can get there without losing control over myself and I will keep searching and I will find the true path and you will be there with me 100%
I won't go anywhere without you nebs because we're in this together
Wednesday, 12 September 2018
Philosophy 101
Any students of philosophy would be very familiar with the conundrum of the scenario whereby your plane crashed and there are survivors and your mom decided to die so that you can eat her and live on. What would you do?
Back in those days when I was actually studying philosophy and very naive too, I must say, my answer was firmly that of course I'd fucking eat her. She sacrificed her life so that I may have some chance of survival so that I may continue living my life and do whatever I have to do in this life. If I don't eat her, she'd have died in vain.
But that was back in the day. Today, my answer is the total opposite. I would not eat her, not because it's unethical to be cannibalistic (it's no longer the issue here anymore, see) but because I know that this life is not the only life and it's definitely not the be all and end all.
How and why, you might ask. I have no fucking idea. All I know is that I have searched and searched for the answers my whole fucking life. Yes, really from as early as I can remember. Maybe not searching for the meaning to life at age 3 but possibly something along those lines. Why does life have to happen the way it does? Why do we not always get what we want? Why do I have to be parted with my beloved Yimama? What does it mean now, my life without her? Who are these strangers who claim to be my family?
I never got any answers and neither do I have the answers now but what I did gain was some sort of understanding. Understanding comes when you learn not to judge. My favorite saying of all time is "don't judge when you don't understand because when you do understand, you won't be judging" That's putting yourself in other people's shoes, literally. When you have lived their lives and experienced what they've experienced, you would not be inclined to judge them. Very hard to live their lives but easy enough to just simply imagine.
Sympathy is when you can't put yourself in their situation but you can imagine what it's like and you can feel sorry for them. Empathy is when you have lived their lives and know exactly how it feels for them and therefore you can empathize. Is it even possible to empathize then, since we all only have this one life? I don't know, can you empathize with the protagonist/antagonist of a movie? Did you cried when Jack died in Titanic or some such case? Of course it's possible! The question here is have you tried hard enough? Is it even worth your while and time to empathize with another human being within close proximity?
Movies are awesome, that's how we learn in our current state of mind. If it's possible for us to be so moved by a scene in a movie, knowing that it's not real life (and it's really not real life, guys), how is it possible for us NOT to be moved by a real life scenario happening before our eyes? Can we not spare a moment from our ever so important lives to just take a glimpse into our neighbour's life? I don't mean this by snooping into their lives to find out juicy gossips etc but as a concerned citizen. Within love.
So anyway, my choice today of not wanting or going to eat my mom after that plane crash is because I KNOW that there is a life after this life. This death is just the beginning of something else that is so wonderful that our current state of mind cannot even comprehend. The reason for my oobe and all these nonsense is to prove this but alas, I have not been successful in doing such, I may never be successful but the point is that I just know in my heart.
I've been advocating the heart to my family lately. You have your thinking brain and your knowing heart. Which one should you listen to? Some major tragedy happens in your family, say for instance someone died. Do you get a heartache or a headache? Brain is the head and it will tell you all kinds of nonsense. What education is doing is to train your brain. You need to learn to think critically to write your dissertations. You have to first come up with some theorem for your dissertation or whatever ( I have no idea because I never graduated with a degree but I did finish writing class of some sort (I was high)) and then you have to use your brains to support your theory. I learnt in psychology that confirmational biased is possible. If you go seeking for an answer with an agenda, you will definitely suffer from confirmation biased because you're seeking with a tunnel vision. You can find all kinds of answers to support your theorem or whatever comes before some theory. Because you were actively seeking for it and therefore your brain will just simply disregard any other information that does not confirm with your line of thinking.
What's the difference between the would be graduate and seeker of truth? I am a seeker of truth. Still seeking. The difference is that I don't already have a theory I'm trying to prove. I read stuff, I hear stuff, I experience stuff and I take them all in. I don't have an agenda I'm trying to prove. Not in my intellectual mind at least. But I do come upon some stuff in my seeking that resonates with the heart. The heart as we know it is without agenda except for love. Love is where the heart is so listen to your heart if love is what you seek. And love should be what you should be seeking. What's the meaning of life? My answer when I was ready to make a mom stew was just love for the people around you. That came from the heart. I don't want to make a mom stew now because I'm speaking from my heart and not my brain but I still stand by my answer to the meaning of life. It's really just about love. For me at least.
Back in those days when I was actually studying philosophy and very naive too, I must say, my answer was firmly that of course I'd fucking eat her. She sacrificed her life so that I may have some chance of survival so that I may continue living my life and do whatever I have to do in this life. If I don't eat her, she'd have died in vain.
But that was back in the day. Today, my answer is the total opposite. I would not eat her, not because it's unethical to be cannibalistic (it's no longer the issue here anymore, see) but because I know that this life is not the only life and it's definitely not the be all and end all.
How and why, you might ask. I have no fucking idea. All I know is that I have searched and searched for the answers my whole fucking life. Yes, really from as early as I can remember. Maybe not searching for the meaning to life at age 3 but possibly something along those lines. Why does life have to happen the way it does? Why do we not always get what we want? Why do I have to be parted with my beloved Yimama? What does it mean now, my life without her? Who are these strangers who claim to be my family?
I never got any answers and neither do I have the answers now but what I did gain was some sort of understanding. Understanding comes when you learn not to judge. My favorite saying of all time is "don't judge when you don't understand because when you do understand, you won't be judging" That's putting yourself in other people's shoes, literally. When you have lived their lives and experienced what they've experienced, you would not be inclined to judge them. Very hard to live their lives but easy enough to just simply imagine.
Sympathy is when you can't put yourself in their situation but you can imagine what it's like and you can feel sorry for them. Empathy is when you have lived their lives and know exactly how it feels for them and therefore you can empathize. Is it even possible to empathize then, since we all only have this one life? I don't know, can you empathize with the protagonist/antagonist of a movie? Did you cried when Jack died in Titanic or some such case? Of course it's possible! The question here is have you tried hard enough? Is it even worth your while and time to empathize with another human being within close proximity?
Movies are awesome, that's how we learn in our current state of mind. If it's possible for us to be so moved by a scene in a movie, knowing that it's not real life (and it's really not real life, guys), how is it possible for us NOT to be moved by a real life scenario happening before our eyes? Can we not spare a moment from our ever so important lives to just take a glimpse into our neighbour's life? I don't mean this by snooping into their lives to find out juicy gossips etc but as a concerned citizen. Within love.
So anyway, my choice today of not wanting or going to eat my mom after that plane crash is because I KNOW that there is a life after this life. This death is just the beginning of something else that is so wonderful that our current state of mind cannot even comprehend. The reason for my oobe and all these nonsense is to prove this but alas, I have not been successful in doing such, I may never be successful but the point is that I just know in my heart.
I've been advocating the heart to my family lately. You have your thinking brain and your knowing heart. Which one should you listen to? Some major tragedy happens in your family, say for instance someone died. Do you get a heartache or a headache? Brain is the head and it will tell you all kinds of nonsense. What education is doing is to train your brain. You need to learn to think critically to write your dissertations. You have to first come up with some theorem for your dissertation or whatever ( I have no idea because I never graduated with a degree but I did finish writing class of some sort (I was high)) and then you have to use your brains to support your theory. I learnt in psychology that confirmational biased is possible. If you go seeking for an answer with an agenda, you will definitely suffer from confirmation biased because you're seeking with a tunnel vision. You can find all kinds of answers to support your theorem or whatever comes before some theory. Because you were actively seeking for it and therefore your brain will just simply disregard any other information that does not confirm with your line of thinking.
What's the difference between the would be graduate and seeker of truth? I am a seeker of truth. Still seeking. The difference is that I don't already have a theory I'm trying to prove. I read stuff, I hear stuff, I experience stuff and I take them all in. I don't have an agenda I'm trying to prove. Not in my intellectual mind at least. But I do come upon some stuff in my seeking that resonates with the heart. The heart as we know it is without agenda except for love. Love is where the heart is so listen to your heart if love is what you seek. And love should be what you should be seeking. What's the meaning of life? My answer when I was ready to make a mom stew was just love for the people around you. That came from the heart. I don't want to make a mom stew now because I'm speaking from my heart and not my brain but I still stand by my answer to the meaning of life. It's really just about love. For me at least.
Thursday, 6 September 2018
The Purpose of Life?
So I'm on my 4th beer and watching Sadhguru talking about the purpose of life on Youtube. It's funny how we can think so much more better and how we are less afraid of ghosts and such when we are juiced up on alcohol and such.
I've downgraded myself from a serial junkie to a serial alcoholic and I can tell you that yes, alcohol do give you that fleeting sense of fulfillment in your life but it's obviously nothing compared to what you get with drugs.This is coming from someone who's possibly successfully induced DMT or whatever drugs I managed to induce with my oobe and energy works etc. Another story for another time.
Anyway, Sadhguru was answering a question about the purpose of life and my question had always been "what is the meaning of life?". What's the difference between meaning and purpose? Meaning is when you try to make sense of your life so therefore a very passive activity. Purpose is when you try and find some kind of fulfillment about you having lived a life. Totally the opposite of passive (i.e. active) if you ask me. I can find the meaning of life and continue living my meaningful life for the rest of my life but once I found the purpose in life, I will work hard to achieve that purpose and then what? Do we even have a fucking purpose in life?
Do we have a purpose for our children to achieve when we decided we're gonna fuck and make kids? No. It's really not about them to be honest. It's more about us, having a good time, having too much love that we need to make more to love more or us just being stupid and naive and or arrogant but that's another story for another day.
I do not wish for any of my kids to find their fucking purpose in life. Hitler found his purpose in life, for whatever reasons, and look what happened! But if there's anything I wish with all my heart for my kids to find with this life we've given them is to fucking find their meaning in it.
I've downgraded myself from a serial junkie to a serial alcoholic and I can tell you that yes, alcohol do give you that fleeting sense of fulfillment in your life but it's obviously nothing compared to what you get with drugs.This is coming from someone who's possibly successfully induced DMT or whatever drugs I managed to induce with my oobe and energy works etc. Another story for another time.
Anyway, Sadhguru was answering a question about the purpose of life and my question had always been "what is the meaning of life?". What's the difference between meaning and purpose? Meaning is when you try to make sense of your life so therefore a very passive activity. Purpose is when you try and find some kind of fulfillment about you having lived a life. Totally the opposite of passive (i.e. active) if you ask me. I can find the meaning of life and continue living my meaningful life for the rest of my life but once I found the purpose in life, I will work hard to achieve that purpose and then what? Do we even have a fucking purpose in life?
Do we have a purpose for our children to achieve when we decided we're gonna fuck and make kids? No. It's really not about them to be honest. It's more about us, having a good time, having too much love that we need to make more to love more or us just being stupid and naive and or arrogant but that's another story for another day.
I do not wish for any of my kids to find their fucking purpose in life. Hitler found his purpose in life, for whatever reasons, and look what happened! But if there's anything I wish with all my heart for my kids to find with this life we've given them is to fucking find their meaning in it.
Wednesday, 5 September 2018
Fingers Crossed
So I had a guided meditation session in the morning yesterday and came to the plan to not let the energy get to my head. With a bit of focus, I was able to sort of direct the energy away from the brain space. Bringing it down to my extremities takes a bit more focus than bringing it down to the roof of my mouth and tip of the nose. Once there, I tried to guide it back into the back of my throat. I figured another way to get rid of it is to bring it back to where it came from. I basically tried many ways to get rid of the energy because desperate situations calls for desperate measures.
Well, long story short, it was quite successful and its safe to say that I didn't have any major attacks the whole day yesterday and today. As a matter of fact, I no longer have much of the physical symptoms today. I hope it's finally getting out of my system and I can go back to being normal again. I can't wait for that to happen so I can start trying to oobe again! I do have a theory about oobe that is related to this whole fiasco but I'll save that for another day.
Well, long story short, it was quite successful and its safe to say that I didn't have any major attacks the whole day yesterday and today. As a matter of fact, I no longer have much of the physical symptoms today. I hope it's finally getting out of my system and I can go back to being normal again. I can't wait for that to happen so I can start trying to oobe again! I do have a theory about oobe that is related to this whole fiasco but I'll save that for another day.
Sunday, 2 September 2018
Follow Ups
I will be posting rather boring observations of my state because I have to. The physical sensation is of course still there. Buzz in the head and hollow in the stomach. Already I'm slowly getting used to this buzzing sensation. I do hope that one day I'll be so used to it that it will eventually fade to the background just like the throat vibrations.
When I had that really nice sensation of being at peace with everything, I was also busy focusing on some invisible energy that seem to be flowing around me. I felt like my whole body was quite fluid. Imagine being underwater where you can feel the water and thus some soft resistance all around you. It felt like that for me except I wasn't underwater. I was within air and anti-matter or something like that. Currently, I am only feeling that within my headspace. Like my head is detached from my body and it's just bobbing around underwater. Not a bad feeling but it's just so in my face. So I have to be very aware to embrace the sensation because the opposite of embracing for me now is simply rising fear and we don't want that. I have a feeling though that if this keeps going on without much negative connotations attached to it, I should eventually become immune to the strangeness of the sensation and should successfully be able to overcome any fear or doubts I may have of it.
I was conscious of anger trying to rear it's ugly head when Sophie was again doing her drama stunts about not wanting to be in school when I dropped her off this morning but surprisingly was able to contain that anger. I knew that it's coming but it didn't come. What I ended up feeling was some mild annoyance but still clear headed enough to make a stern argument about the importance of her attitude that would determine her feelings towards school. She finally agreed to try and I was glad I could walk off the school grounds without leaving her moping around in her own misery.
I do feel a bit tired mentally and physically now but that could be because I'm not really doing anything at the moment. Will see how I go as the day progresses.
When I had that really nice sensation of being at peace with everything, I was also busy focusing on some invisible energy that seem to be flowing around me. I felt like my whole body was quite fluid. Imagine being underwater where you can feel the water and thus some soft resistance all around you. It felt like that for me except I wasn't underwater. I was within air and anti-matter or something like that. Currently, I am only feeling that within my headspace. Like my head is detached from my body and it's just bobbing around underwater. Not a bad feeling but it's just so in my face. So I have to be very aware to embrace the sensation because the opposite of embracing for me now is simply rising fear and we don't want that. I have a feeling though that if this keeps going on without much negative connotations attached to it, I should eventually become immune to the strangeness of the sensation and should successfully be able to overcome any fear or doubts I may have of it.
I was conscious of anger trying to rear it's ugly head when Sophie was again doing her drama stunts about not wanting to be in school when I dropped her off this morning but surprisingly was able to contain that anger. I knew that it's coming but it didn't come. What I ended up feeling was some mild annoyance but still clear headed enough to make a stern argument about the importance of her attitude that would determine her feelings towards school. She finally agreed to try and I was glad I could walk off the school grounds without leaving her moping around in her own misery.
I do feel a bit tired mentally and physically now but that could be because I'm not really doing anything at the moment. Will see how I go as the day progresses.
Saturday, 1 September 2018
The Power of Thoughts
Much has happened since the rainbow incident. Weird stuff but it's ok. I got it under control. And like today's title, it's all about the power of our thoughts. Remember that, it's very important.
I don't even know where to start but I gotta start somewhere so I'll pick up from where I left off. So there was this energy within me that I created with that little rainbow exercise. It was something very strange for me because I've never experienced such before and what I've learned through my research is that our survival instinct is to fear the unknown. So naturally, I started to get fearful because it's an unknown.
Thank god for all my researches because I really did learn a lot doing these researches and can apply what I've learnt to my current situation. I would never have taken this route prior to my researches but then again, I wouldn't be in this situation if I never even chose to take this path. So synchronicity? I think definitely yes. See the thing is now I don't really have a choice but to believe that it is synchronicity at work. It was my own free choice to go this way and I really did asked to learn the truth. And if it is synchronicity, then I must accept that this is my truth. I can not accept it but my instincts tell me that I should.
So back to the energy. It's like this extra energy bouncing around in my head or inside my body. It can be very disconcerting if you have all these extra energy and not know what to do with it. It didn't help that I went and did some more research which brought me to some website about balancing the chakra and some kundalini rising. Freaked me out when it claims that results can be detrimental if you didn't do it the correct way. All I could think was "Oh Shit!"
Anyhow, I had to do something about it so it occurred to me that it's energy I created it and just left it there. So I proceeded to try and dispel some of it. I was very careful and focused in not creating any more energy in the process. Not easy to do because of the vibrations at the back of my throat but focus is the key word here. So I had to be very focused and tried to free some of these energy by directing it out of my body. It sort of worked a little in that it wasn't so bad anymore. Alcohol helped a lot if only just to calm my nerves. I was still very fearful.
My plan is to continue the work to try and mentally dispel it. At the same time, I have to maintain positive thoughts because remember, the power of thoughts. The internet article claim that its irreparable damage that I might have done, there would be no place for me in heaven or hell or something to that extent. That's pretty fucked up but oh well, I'm just going to have to do my best whilst I'm still alive then because this might possibly be my only chance at consciousness if I really fucked up so badly. Also no more trying to oobe anymore now in case I triggered anymore energy with the natural vibrations that happen when oobe-ing. I guess that's out the window now until I can figure out my current situation.
So I went back and reviewed the love/fear dichotomy and the only solution presented is either love it or fear it. But how to love it when I don't even know it? Survival instincts. So now there's two things. I must continue to live in love now because this might be my only chance but I'm already beginning to convince myself that it's really not. Living in love means to be the best person that I can ever possibly be. Gotta always keep my thoughts in check. I have to most importantly love others more because I don't think I have any issues with loving myself anymore. Consideration for myself and others should be the main priority now. Everything else is just a distraction. I have to keep focused.
So I tried it. Being more considerate and understanding of others and myself. First and foremost having more patience with my kids. And I realized that with this extra energy, I finally do have the physical and mental energy to entertain the kids and their constant demands with more patience and less negativity! So far so good right? I've only started applying this since this morning and already I'm feeling a lot more happier and a lot less stressed. So again, power of thoughts!
There's two ways to look at this now that the deed has already been done and can no longer be undone. At least not at this point in time anyway. I can either see this as a curse and forever live in fear of my condition, convinced that something is terribly wrong with me, or I can see it as a blessing in disguise and something I had really asked for anyway. This condition will be my constant reminder of the priorities in my life. I have to take care of myself in order to take care of my family. If I do not adopt this way of thinking, I'll be tethering on the edge of fear. But we don't want that. So naturally, I will do everything in my power to maintain the serenity and love.
The power of thoughts. There's two ways to look at the feeling in my head as well. One way is a constant pressure. Once I changed my way of thinking, it became instead a constant high very much like a mild weed buzz. So how lucky am I now to be constantly high right? Again, this state of being is very much what started the entire fiasco. I wanted to naturally manufacture DMT to experience the mushroom high and to a certain extent, this is also a kind of altered state of consciousness.
Anyway, it's still early days yet. We'll see where it takes us in the longer run and especially since I haven't really been tried and tested with a truly stressful situation. But in the meantime, I'm now seeing this as a truly needed relief from my angry and stressful self.
The power of thoughts!
I don't even know where to start but I gotta start somewhere so I'll pick up from where I left off. So there was this energy within me that I created with that little rainbow exercise. It was something very strange for me because I've never experienced such before and what I've learned through my research is that our survival instinct is to fear the unknown. So naturally, I started to get fearful because it's an unknown.
Thank god for all my researches because I really did learn a lot doing these researches and can apply what I've learnt to my current situation. I would never have taken this route prior to my researches but then again, I wouldn't be in this situation if I never even chose to take this path. So synchronicity? I think definitely yes. See the thing is now I don't really have a choice but to believe that it is synchronicity at work. It was my own free choice to go this way and I really did asked to learn the truth. And if it is synchronicity, then I must accept that this is my truth. I can not accept it but my instincts tell me that I should.
So back to the energy. It's like this extra energy bouncing around in my head or inside my body. It can be very disconcerting if you have all these extra energy and not know what to do with it. It didn't help that I went and did some more research which brought me to some website about balancing the chakra and some kundalini rising. Freaked me out when it claims that results can be detrimental if you didn't do it the correct way. All I could think was "Oh Shit!"
Anyhow, I had to do something about it so it occurred to me that it's energy I created it and just left it there. So I proceeded to try and dispel some of it. I was very careful and focused in not creating any more energy in the process. Not easy to do because of the vibrations at the back of my throat but focus is the key word here. So I had to be very focused and tried to free some of these energy by directing it out of my body. It sort of worked a little in that it wasn't so bad anymore. Alcohol helped a lot if only just to calm my nerves. I was still very fearful.
My plan is to continue the work to try and mentally dispel it. At the same time, I have to maintain positive thoughts because remember, the power of thoughts. The internet article claim that its irreparable damage that I might have done, there would be no place for me in heaven or hell or something to that extent. That's pretty fucked up but oh well, I'm just going to have to do my best whilst I'm still alive then because this might possibly be my only chance at consciousness if I really fucked up so badly. Also no more trying to oobe anymore now in case I triggered anymore energy with the natural vibrations that happen when oobe-ing. I guess that's out the window now until I can figure out my current situation.
So I went back and reviewed the love/fear dichotomy and the only solution presented is either love it or fear it. But how to love it when I don't even know it? Survival instincts. So now there's two things. I must continue to live in love now because this might be my only chance but I'm already beginning to convince myself that it's really not. Living in love means to be the best person that I can ever possibly be. Gotta always keep my thoughts in check. I have to most importantly love others more because I don't think I have any issues with loving myself anymore. Consideration for myself and others should be the main priority now. Everything else is just a distraction. I have to keep focused.
So I tried it. Being more considerate and understanding of others and myself. First and foremost having more patience with my kids. And I realized that with this extra energy, I finally do have the physical and mental energy to entertain the kids and their constant demands with more patience and less negativity! So far so good right? I've only started applying this since this morning and already I'm feeling a lot more happier and a lot less stressed. So again, power of thoughts!
There's two ways to look at this now that the deed has already been done and can no longer be undone. At least not at this point in time anyway. I can either see this as a curse and forever live in fear of my condition, convinced that something is terribly wrong with me, or I can see it as a blessing in disguise and something I had really asked for anyway. This condition will be my constant reminder of the priorities in my life. I have to take care of myself in order to take care of my family. If I do not adopt this way of thinking, I'll be tethering on the edge of fear. But we don't want that. So naturally, I will do everything in my power to maintain the serenity and love.
The power of thoughts. There's two ways to look at the feeling in my head as well. One way is a constant pressure. Once I changed my way of thinking, it became instead a constant high very much like a mild weed buzz. So how lucky am I now to be constantly high right? Again, this state of being is very much what started the entire fiasco. I wanted to naturally manufacture DMT to experience the mushroom high and to a certain extent, this is also a kind of altered state of consciousness.
Anyway, it's still early days yet. We'll see where it takes us in the longer run and especially since I haven't really been tried and tested with a truly stressful situation. But in the meantime, I'm now seeing this as a truly needed relief from my angry and stressful self.
The power of thoughts!
Thursday, 30 August 2018
The Rainbow Within
So I was reading up Kriya Yoga and I suddenly had the urge to go lie down. To meditate or even if I do fall asleep, I'll try and have an oobe. I didn't fell asleep so no oobe.
Anyhow, I wasn't sure what I was trying to do but I lied down and meditated and tried to induce oobe at the same time. I know, sounds like I'm all over the place but I just thought why not, right? So I'm clearing my mind and I tried to conjure up the vibration from the back of my throat. See, I told you it's not gone but I just don't feel it so much anymore. It's still there so I can just conjure it up when I focus enough. And I could make it stronger by the will of my focused mind. If I'm more focused, it obeys my commands better. I have to imagine it of course and in my mind's eye, this vibration is multicolored. Like a rainbow. Very nice. I managed to bring it up to the top of my head and down to my base chakra? I don't really know much about these chakra things but I just did according to what I know which is very little.
The point is that I could feel the energy of the vibration and I can bring it here and there if I focused enough. I can't really focus that much at the moment and by focusing I meant the power of my imagination of course. I can't imagine that well to bring it to my hand for instance and it was quite hard to bring it down the chest but I sort of did lamely. So I think I need to work more on this focused imagination to see where this rainbow vibration can take me. Very interesting stuff. I didn't really imagine it per se because I could really feel the vibration. Its just that when you try and perform telekinesis for example, you'd find it very hard to move things with your mind right? So its the same with this vibration. Trying to bring in wherever I want with my mind alone is not easy that's why I need to practice more with focusing the mind. Now my whole head is slightly buzzing with the fuzzy feeling. Kinda like how you feel when you take your first drag of cigarette after a long time and you feel that high. Much like weed buzz but a lot milder but it stays longer than that fleeting cigarette buzz. Very interesting.
Also I've come to see that heavy chest feeling as a more lighter chest instead. Because at the end of the day it's how you perceive things. I'd rather see it as my airways opening up a lot more than a burden on my chest. So it feels weird for me now because I can breathe so much more but I'm sure in due course like the throat vibration, I would get used to it.
Anyhow, I wasn't sure what I was trying to do but I lied down and meditated and tried to induce oobe at the same time. I know, sounds like I'm all over the place but I just thought why not, right? So I'm clearing my mind and I tried to conjure up the vibration from the back of my throat. See, I told you it's not gone but I just don't feel it so much anymore. It's still there so I can just conjure it up when I focus enough. And I could make it stronger by the will of my focused mind. If I'm more focused, it obeys my commands better. I have to imagine it of course and in my mind's eye, this vibration is multicolored. Like a rainbow. Very nice. I managed to bring it up to the top of my head and down to my base chakra? I don't really know much about these chakra things but I just did according to what I know which is very little.
The point is that I could feel the energy of the vibration and I can bring it here and there if I focused enough. I can't really focus that much at the moment and by focusing I meant the power of my imagination of course. I can't imagine that well to bring it to my hand for instance and it was quite hard to bring it down the chest but I sort of did lamely. So I think I need to work more on this focused imagination to see where this rainbow vibration can take me. Very interesting stuff. I didn't really imagine it per se because I could really feel the vibration. Its just that when you try and perform telekinesis for example, you'd find it very hard to move things with your mind right? So its the same with this vibration. Trying to bring in wherever I want with my mind alone is not easy that's why I need to practice more with focusing the mind. Now my whole head is slightly buzzing with the fuzzy feeling. Kinda like how you feel when you take your first drag of cigarette after a long time and you feel that high. Much like weed buzz but a lot milder but it stays longer than that fleeting cigarette buzz. Very interesting.
Also I've come to see that heavy chest feeling as a more lighter chest instead. Because at the end of the day it's how you perceive things. I'd rather see it as my airways opening up a lot more than a burden on my chest. So it feels weird for me now because I can breathe so much more but I'm sure in due course like the throat vibration, I would get used to it.
Wednesday, 29 August 2018
Synchronicity?
Just as I am starting to get deep into this journey to get out of the body, I got an email from blogger to remind me that this blog exist and funnily enough I have decided to name this blog Everything in Between which is exactly what I'm trying to find. Coincidence?
So I needed answers because I've been having trouble getting out of body even though I'm sure I've reached the twilight zone. I'm not going to dwell into that here because I've already expressed myself in the journal that I've been keeping. But what I will do is to journal in here from now onwards because I don't have to keep time and dates manually which will be great.
I think another clue to the answer of my question just came to me in the writings of Albert Taylor in his book Soul Traveller. Well, it seems there's no short cut for me and I do have to do this the hard way. Hard because it might take me forever but then again, that's what I wanted. I wanted answers to questions that I'm not even sure about anymore. I'm sure deep down somewhere I do know what my question is because somehow I can understand why I have been somehow led to this point in my journey and somehow this seem like the most logical and satisfactory answer yet.
I'm still suffering from heaviness in my chest and because I've forced myself to have something to eat, the emptiness in the stomach is no longer bothering me much. It still feels hollow inside somehow. Anyway, the expanding of the mind and the high I experienced in twilight zone did sort of gave me some relieve from this heaviness in the chest but that was only temporary and unfortunately I did not experience after effects upon waking up. Just this weird sensation starting from head to stomach.
Let me break it down for you. My whole head feels fuzzy. My mind seem to be unable to focus and there is a pressure all around my head which can be felt very heavily pressing against my ears. Back of my head, near the medula oblongata I think is tension all the way down the spine along the neck. My throat thank god is no longer vibrating in a distracting manner. If I focus enough, I can still feel the vibrations happening in there but it's very faint so I can hardly feel it when I'm not paying attention. Moving down to my neck beginning at the clavicles, again pressure and tensions all the way down to the chest area. Heart sometimes palpitates and below the chest near the stomach, an emptiness that seems insatiable.
So anyway, what worked for me very fleetingly was what Albert wrote in his book and this is what he wrote
Judge, and you shall be judged.
Hate, and you shall be hated.
Lie, and you shall be lied to.
Cheat, and you shall be cheated.
Curse, and you shall be cursed.
but Love, and so shall you be.
When I read that, immediately I felt a sense of relief from the current conditions of my chest. I should probably write it down somewhere so I can periodically read it to get some relief until it no longer has anymore magical healing effects for me. Ok, it no longer have the impact on me anymore even now. Dang it!
But anyway, the task at hand now is no longer to meditate for expansion but to go deep within myself and work out whatever it is that need to be worked out. Also in the interim, I need to be very aware of my emotions and feelings in order to keep them in check. This will be extremely hard to do especially with the kids because they have the knack to drive me to insanity sometimes, I mean all the time.
Of course I will not stop trying to get out of my body and will seize every opportunity I get and not lose hope that I will get to where I need to go eventually. I will not get lost because wherever I end up is exactly where I need to be. Seriously, I do feel a lot better after letting this out. That's probably why journaling is an important step to getting an oobe.
So I needed answers because I've been having trouble getting out of body even though I'm sure I've reached the twilight zone. I'm not going to dwell into that here because I've already expressed myself in the journal that I've been keeping. But what I will do is to journal in here from now onwards because I don't have to keep time and dates manually which will be great.
I think another clue to the answer of my question just came to me in the writings of Albert Taylor in his book Soul Traveller. Well, it seems there's no short cut for me and I do have to do this the hard way. Hard because it might take me forever but then again, that's what I wanted. I wanted answers to questions that I'm not even sure about anymore. I'm sure deep down somewhere I do know what my question is because somehow I can understand why I have been somehow led to this point in my journey and somehow this seem like the most logical and satisfactory answer yet.
I'm still suffering from heaviness in my chest and because I've forced myself to have something to eat, the emptiness in the stomach is no longer bothering me much. It still feels hollow inside somehow. Anyway, the expanding of the mind and the high I experienced in twilight zone did sort of gave me some relieve from this heaviness in the chest but that was only temporary and unfortunately I did not experience after effects upon waking up. Just this weird sensation starting from head to stomach.
Let me break it down for you. My whole head feels fuzzy. My mind seem to be unable to focus and there is a pressure all around my head which can be felt very heavily pressing against my ears. Back of my head, near the medula oblongata I think is tension all the way down the spine along the neck. My throat thank god is no longer vibrating in a distracting manner. If I focus enough, I can still feel the vibrations happening in there but it's very faint so I can hardly feel it when I'm not paying attention. Moving down to my neck beginning at the clavicles, again pressure and tensions all the way down to the chest area. Heart sometimes palpitates and below the chest near the stomach, an emptiness that seems insatiable.
So anyway, what worked for me very fleetingly was what Albert wrote in his book and this is what he wrote
Judge, and you shall be judged.
Hate, and you shall be hated.
Lie, and you shall be lied to.
Cheat, and you shall be cheated.
Curse, and you shall be cursed.
but Love, and so shall you be.
When I read that, immediately I felt a sense of relief from the current conditions of my chest. I should probably write it down somewhere so I can periodically read it to get some relief until it no longer has anymore magical healing effects for me. Ok, it no longer have the impact on me anymore even now. Dang it!
But anyway, the task at hand now is no longer to meditate for expansion but to go deep within myself and work out whatever it is that need to be worked out. Also in the interim, I need to be very aware of my emotions and feelings in order to keep them in check. This will be extremely hard to do especially with the kids because they have the knack to drive me to insanity sometimes, I mean all the time.
Of course I will not stop trying to get out of my body and will seize every opportunity I get and not lose hope that I will get to where I need to go eventually. I will not get lost because wherever I end up is exactly where I need to be. Seriously, I do feel a lot better after letting this out. That's probably why journaling is an important step to getting an oobe.
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