The Purpose of Life?

So I'm on my 4th beer and watching Sadhguru talking about the purpose of life on Youtube. It's funny how we can think so much more better and how we are less afraid of ghosts and such when we are juiced up on alcohol and such.

I've downgraded myself from a serial junkie to a serial alcoholic and I can tell you that yes, alcohol do give you that fleeting sense of fulfillment in your life but it's obviously nothing compared to what you get with drugs.This is coming from someone who's possibly successfully induced DMT or whatever drugs I managed to induce with my oobe and energy works etc. Another story for another time.

Anyway, Sadhguru was answering a question about the purpose of life and my question had always been "what is the meaning of life?". What's the difference between meaning and purpose? Meaning is when you try to make sense of your life so therefore a very passive activity. Purpose is when you try and find some kind of fulfillment about you having lived a life. Totally the opposite of passive (i.e. active) if you ask me. I can find the meaning of life and continue living my meaningful life for the rest of my life but once I found the purpose in life, I will work hard to achieve that purpose and then what? Do we even have a fucking purpose in life?

Do we have a purpose for our children to achieve when we decided we're gonna fuck and make kids? No. It's really not about them to be honest. It's more about us, having a good time, having too much love that we need to make more to love more or us just being stupid and naive and or arrogant but that's another story for another day.

I do not wish for any of my kids to find their fucking purpose in life. Hitler found his purpose in life, for whatever reasons, and look what happened! But if there's anything I wish with all my heart for my kids to find with this life we've given them is to fucking find their meaning in it.

Fingers Crossed

So I had a guided meditation session in the morning yesterday and came to the plan to not let the energy get to my head. With a bit of focus, I was able to sort of direct the energy away from the brain space. Bringing it down to my extremities takes a bit more focus than bringing it down to the roof of my mouth and tip of the nose. Once there, I tried to guide it back into the back of my throat. I figured another way to get rid of it is to bring it back to where it came from. I basically tried many ways to get rid of the energy because desperate situations calls for desperate measures.

Well, long story short, it was quite successful and its safe to say that I didn't have any major attacks the whole day yesterday and today. As a matter of fact, I no longer have much of the physical symptoms today. I hope it's finally getting out of my system and I can go back to being normal again. I can't wait for that to happen so I can start trying to oobe again! I do have a theory about oobe that is related to this whole fiasco but I'll save that for another day.

Follow Ups

I will be posting rather boring observations of my state because I have to. The physical sensation is of course still there. Buzz in the head and hollow in the stomach. Already I'm slowly getting used to this buzzing sensation. I do hope that one day I'll be so used to it that it will eventually fade to the background just like the throat vibrations.

When I had that really nice sensation of being at peace with everything, I was also busy focusing on some invisible energy that seem to be flowing around me. I felt like my whole body was quite fluid. Imagine being underwater where you can feel the water and thus some soft resistance all around you. It felt like that for me except I wasn't underwater. I was within air and anti-matter or something like that. Currently, I am only feeling that within my headspace. Like my head is detached from my body and it's just bobbing around underwater. Not a bad feeling but it's just so in my face. So I have to be very aware to embrace the sensation because the opposite of embracing for me now is simply rising fear and we don't want that. I have a feeling though that if this keeps going on without much negative connotations attached to it, I should eventually become immune to the strangeness of the sensation and should successfully be able to overcome any fear or doubts I may have of it.

I was conscious of anger trying to rear it's ugly head when Sophie was again doing her drama stunts about not wanting to be in school when I dropped her off this morning but surprisingly was able to contain that anger. I knew that it's coming but it didn't come. What I ended up feeling was some mild annoyance but still clear headed enough to make a stern argument about the importance of her attitude that would determine her feelings towards school. She finally agreed to try and I was glad I could walk off the school grounds without leaving her moping around in her own misery.

I do feel a bit tired mentally and physically now but that could be because I'm not really doing anything at the moment. Will see how I go as the day progresses.

The Power of Thoughts

Much has happened since the rainbow incident. Weird stuff but it's ok. I got it under control. And like today's title, it's all about the power of our thoughts. Remember that, it's very important.

I don't even know where to start but I gotta start somewhere so I'll pick up from where I left off. So there was this energy within me that I created with that little rainbow exercise. It was something very strange for me because I've never experienced such before and what I've learned through my research is that our survival instinct is to fear the unknown. So naturally, I started to get fearful because it's an unknown.

Thank god for all my researches because I really did learn a lot doing these researches and can apply what I've learnt to my current situation. I would never have taken this route prior to my researches but then again, I wouldn't be in this situation if I never even chose to take this path. So synchronicity? I think definitely yes. See the thing is now I don't really have a choice but to believe that it is synchronicity at work. It was my own free choice to go this way and I really did asked to learn the truth. And if it is synchronicity, then I must accept that this is my truth. I can not accept it but my instincts tell me that I should.

So back to the energy. It's like this extra energy bouncing around in my head or inside my body. It can be very disconcerting if you have all these extra energy and not know what to do with it. It didn't help that I went and did some more research which brought me to some website about balancing the chakra and some kundalini rising. Freaked me out when it claims that results can be detrimental if you didn't do it the correct way. All I could think was "Oh Shit!"

Anyhow, I had to do something about it so it occurred to me that it's energy I created it and just left it there. So I proceeded to try and dispel some of it. I was very careful and focused in not creating any more energy in the process. Not easy to do because of the vibrations at the back of my throat but focus is the key word here. So I had to be very focused and tried to free some of these energy by directing it out of my body. It sort of worked a little in that it wasn't so bad anymore. Alcohol helped a lot if only just to calm my nerves. I was still very fearful.

My plan is to continue the work to try and mentally dispel it. At the same time, I have to maintain positive thoughts  because remember, the power of thoughts. The internet article claim that its irreparable damage that I might have done, there would be no place for me in heaven or hell or something to that extent. That's pretty fucked up but oh well, I'm just going to have to do my best whilst I'm still alive then because this might possibly be my only chance at consciousness if I really fucked up so badly. Also no more trying to oobe anymore now in case I triggered anymore energy with the natural vibrations that happen when oobe-ing. I guess that's out the window now until I can figure out my current situation.

So I went back and reviewed the love/fear dichotomy and the only solution presented is either love it or fear it. But how to love it when I don't even know it? Survival instincts. So now there's two things. I must continue to live in love now because this might be my only chance but I'm already beginning to convince myself that it's really not. Living in love means to be the best person that I can ever possibly be. Gotta always keep my thoughts in check. I have to most importantly love others more because I don't think I have any issues with loving myself anymore. Consideration for myself and others should be the main priority now. Everything else is just a distraction. I have to keep focused.

So I tried it. Being more considerate and understanding of others and myself. First and foremost having more patience with my kids. And I realized that with this extra energy, I finally do have the physical and mental energy to entertain the kids and their constant demands with more patience and less negativity! So far so good right? I've only started applying this since this morning and already I'm feeling a lot more happier and a lot less stressed. So again, power of thoughts!

There's two ways to look at this now that the deed has already been done and can no longer be undone. At least not at this point in time anyway. I can either see this as a curse and forever live in fear of my condition, convinced that something is terribly wrong with me, or I can see it as a blessing in disguise and something I had really asked for anyway. This condition will be my constant reminder of the priorities in my life. I have to take care of myself in order to take care of my family. If I do not adopt this way of thinking, I'll be tethering on the edge of fear. But we don't want that. So naturally, I will do everything in my power to maintain the serenity and love.

The power of thoughts. There's two ways to look at the feeling in my head as well. One way is a constant pressure. Once I changed my way of thinking, it became instead a constant high very much like a mild weed buzz. So how lucky am I now to be constantly high right? Again, this state of being is very much what started the entire fiasco. I wanted to naturally manufacture DMT to experience the mushroom high and to a certain extent, this is also a kind of altered state of consciousness.

Anyway, it's still early days yet. We'll see where it takes us in the longer run and especially since I haven't really been tried and tested with a truly stressful situation. But in the meantime, I'm now seeing this as a truly needed relief from my angry and stressful self.

 The power of thoughts!

The Rainbow Within

So I was reading up Kriya Yoga and I suddenly had the urge to go lie down. To meditate or even if I do fall asleep, I'll try and have an oobe. I didn't fell asleep so no oobe.

Anyhow, I wasn't sure what I was trying to do but I lied down and meditated and tried to induce oobe at the same time. I know, sounds like I'm all over the place but I just thought why not, right? So I'm clearing my mind and I tried to conjure up the vibration from the back of my throat. See, I told you it's not gone but I just don't feel it so much anymore. It's still there so I can just conjure it up when I focus enough. And I could make it stronger by the will of my focused mind. If I'm more focused, it obeys my commands better. I have to imagine it of course and in my mind's eye, this vibration is multicolored. Like a rainbow. Very nice. I managed to bring it up to the top of my head and down to my base chakra? I don't really know much about these chakra things but I just did according to what I know which is very little.

The point is that I could feel the energy of the vibration and I can bring it here and there if I focused enough. I can't really focus that much at the moment and by focusing I meant the power of my imagination of course. I can't imagine that well to bring it to my hand for instance and it was quite hard to bring it down the chest but I sort of did lamely. So I think I need to work more on this focused imagination to see where this rainbow vibration can take me. Very interesting stuff. I didn't really imagine it per se because I could really feel the vibration. Its just that when you try and perform telekinesis for example, you'd find it very hard to move things with your mind right? So its the same with this vibration. Trying to bring in wherever I want with my mind alone is not easy that's why I need to practice more with focusing the mind. Now my whole head is slightly buzzing with the fuzzy feeling. Kinda like how you feel when you take your first drag of cigarette after a long time and you feel that high. Much like weed buzz but a lot milder but it stays longer than that fleeting cigarette buzz. Very interesting.

Also I've come to see that heavy chest feeling as a more lighter chest instead. Because at the end of the day it's how you perceive things. I'd rather see it as my airways opening up a lot more than a burden on my chest. So it feels weird for me now because I can breathe so much more but I'm sure in due course like the throat vibration, I would get used to it.

Synchronicity?

Just as I am starting to get deep into this journey to get out of the body, I got an email from blogger to remind me that this blog exist and funnily enough I have decided to name this blog Everything in Between which is exactly what I'm trying to find. Coincidence?

So I needed answers because I've been having trouble getting out of body even though I'm sure I've reached the twilight zone. I'm not going to dwell into that here because I've already expressed myself in the journal that I've been keeping. But what I will do is to journal in here from now onwards because I don't have to keep time and dates manually which will be great.

I think another clue to the answer of my question just came to me in the writings of Albert Taylor in his book Soul Traveller. Well, it seems there's no short cut for me and I do have to do this the hard way. Hard because it might take me forever but then again, that's what I wanted. I wanted answers to questions that I'm not even sure about anymore. I'm sure deep down somewhere I do know what my question is because somehow I can understand why I have been somehow led to this point in my journey and somehow this seem like the most logical and satisfactory answer yet.

I'm still suffering from heaviness in my chest and because I've forced myself to have something to eat, the emptiness in the stomach is no longer bothering me much. It still feels hollow inside somehow. Anyway, the expanding of the mind and the high I experienced in twilight zone did sort of gave me some relieve from this heaviness in the chest but that was only temporary and unfortunately I did not experience after effects upon waking up. Just this weird sensation starting from head to stomach.

Let me break it down for you. My whole head feels fuzzy. My mind seem to be unable to focus and there is a pressure all around my head which can be felt very heavily pressing against my ears. Back of my head, near the medula oblongata I think is tension all the way down the spine along the neck. My throat thank god is no longer vibrating in a distracting manner. If I focus enough, I can still feel the vibrations happening in there but it's very faint so I can hardly feel it when I'm not paying attention. Moving down to my neck beginning at the clavicles, again pressure and tensions all the way down to the chest area. Heart sometimes palpitates and below the chest near the stomach, an emptiness that seems insatiable.

So anyway, what worked for me very fleetingly was what Albert wrote in his book and this is what he wrote

Judge, and you shall be judged.
Hate, and you shall be hated.
Lie, and you shall be lied to.
Cheat, and you shall be cheated.
Curse, and you shall be cursed.
but Love, and so shall you be.

When I read that, immediately I felt a sense of relief from the current conditions of my chest. I should probably write it down somewhere so I can periodically read it to get some relief until it no longer has anymore magical healing effects for me. Ok, it no longer have the impact on me anymore even now. Dang it!

But anyway, the task at hand now is no longer to meditate for expansion but to go deep within myself and work out whatever it is that need to be worked out. Also in the interim, I need to be very aware of my emotions and feelings in order to keep them in check. This will be extremely hard to do especially with the kids because they have the knack to drive me to insanity sometimes, I mean all the time.

Of course I will not stop trying to get out of my body and will seize every opportunity I get and not lose hope that I will get to where I need to go eventually. I will not get lost because wherever I end up is exactly where I need to be. Seriously, I do feel a lot better after letting this out. That's probably why journaling is an important step to getting an oobe.

Fabric Balls

Hubby was away for 2 whole weeks and this is what I created to show for his absence: a fabric ball for the kids

I got this complimentary charm pack from Lucy when I bought some sewing supplies from her online store and I've been wanting to make this for my babies so one fine night, it happened. Here's the results of my creation in action. 

I think what I made must've been the small version coz my printer is still in storage and i traced the pattern from my mac. Not even sure if it's the right size but who cares when your printer is in bloody storage and you can't get access to it.

Overall, happy with the results and will most likely be making more of these in the future. FYI, I managed to cut off 2 sets of each colour block on a 5"x5" piece so it was a lot of fun with very little fabrics involved. 

That's all folks and have fun sewing!