Having arrived nowhere from all my "meditating", I've managed to slot in some possible outcomes or fictional plots to conclude at if I had been successful with my meditations. The whole point is to find out who or what am I, at least that's what I think Krishna is trying to tell us. So here goes:
The NPC scenario
This scenario is very much in parallel with the idea of a holographic multiverse or the simulated digital reality. This scenario offers us not much of a choice in the sense that everything is predetermined. We may think we have a choice and to a certain extent, we do but every possible outcome is already written. Not much different than being an NPC if we remain in the matrix and the only way to break free is to escape the matrix. Sophie's World and The Matrix Trilogy is something similar to this line of theorizing.
The Doraemon Finale scenario
This scenario is also very much like the movie Avatar. I honestly don't see much difference between the two in terms of if you only look at the protagonist and his circumstances within and outwith the so called "simulation". The simulation here being this reality we're stuck in.
I came about this scenario when I tried to imagine what I'd be like if I believe all these nutcrackers talking about how we are a being of light and etc. Being a being of light means being non-physical. In other words, we can do all these thinking and imagining and etc but we can't really DO these things that we think up. What difference is it from being a vegetable like Nobita who can still think up and imagine all these adventures without being able to physically perform them?
So far these are the only scenarios I can think up of. I suspect the outcome would be slightly different once I manage to oobe but it seems the chances of me being able to oobe is quite slim. If this is the case, I will have no choice but to concede with the half assed Buddhistic notion of reincarnation where we'll either be living the same life over and over again or with some slight to major variations here and there, whereby sooner or later, I should be able to rest in peace at having finally achieved oobe in some future life. These are just very brief descriptions of possible outcomes. They're like the major plots that I might someday be compelled to elaborate on after a heavy juicing session.
Monday, 20 May 2019
Thursday, 6 December 2018
The Only Constant is Change Itself
The Kabbalists believe that the Creator is unchanging and is only capable of creating and bestowing. I'm interested in the unchanging part of the Creator. I have read or watched somewhere before about the unchanging nature of the Creator. Immovable, unshakeable, unchanging and eternal is some of the descriptive words of the Creator that interest me. Not sure why. But let us now try and investigate into the matter.
If I have a solid conviction, something I believe is truly good and beneficial, I would want to be like the Creator in terms of the unshakeable foundation of said belief or understanding or knowing. Problem is, I don't have a solid conviction of anything. Because I know nothing!! Doubt, lots and lots of doubt. Always doubting my own understanding, doubting others and doubting everything. So I think in order to be more like the Creator, I'm going to need to really consider my own convictions to the point where I can no longer doubt it anymore. But is that even possible for a human? We can't possibly know anything for sure. And that is a fact. And if you don't know anything for sure, how can you not doubt? The only people I know who can sort of do this are the religious people believing blindly in their faith etc. And I don't ever want to be like that. In fact, I see it as a total opposite of the unchanging notion of the Creator. Again, I'm not sure why but that's how I feel.
I really need to oobe to find some answers. And I will. It's only a matter of time. Haven't had much luck with the oobeing lately. Don't even remember my dreams but meditation sessions have been fruitful so at least it's something!
If I have a solid conviction, something I believe is truly good and beneficial, I would want to be like the Creator in terms of the unshakeable foundation of said belief or understanding or knowing. Problem is, I don't have a solid conviction of anything. Because I know nothing!! Doubt, lots and lots of doubt. Always doubting my own understanding, doubting others and doubting everything. So I think in order to be more like the Creator, I'm going to need to really consider my own convictions to the point where I can no longer doubt it anymore. But is that even possible for a human? We can't possibly know anything for sure. And that is a fact. And if you don't know anything for sure, how can you not doubt? The only people I know who can sort of do this are the religious people believing blindly in their faith etc. And I don't ever want to be like that. In fact, I see it as a total opposite of the unchanging notion of the Creator. Again, I'm not sure why but that's how I feel.
I really need to oobe to find some answers. And I will. It's only a matter of time. Haven't had much luck with the oobeing lately. Don't even remember my dreams but meditation sessions have been fruitful so at least it's something!
Monday, 3 December 2018
Nationalization and its Discontent
I was reading an oobe article about how having oobe and nde can help people realize some important issues about life and such and one of the main points is about nationalization and its discontent. Apparently, oobe helps to
"overcome our current life conditioning and to be able to see ourselves in a broader context. Thus, we are able to extract and recognise our essence from our current country, race, religion, gender, language, family position, social class and others; and we realise that we are the sum of all those experiences and not just the current states of being... Trying to look for an ideal common denominator of what to strive for, which goes beyond this one single life is also something OBE helps us with" -from Alexander deFoe's Consciousness Beyond The Body: Evidence and Reflections
So it got me thinking about where I stand in terms of these issues, especially the one about nationalization and I had to backtrack on a few lifetimes to see the evolution process of my opinion. Ok, maybe not a few lifetimes, but more like eras in this lifetime.
I remember the cough mixture episode when the Hindu God Brahma was explaining to me about how everything is one and I also strongly felt and understood that concept of one-ness. I was high then so the revelations obviously didn't count.
Then I took the course on nationalization and its discontent in uni and I didn't really applied it to myself personally because of the nature of the stupid course. If I applied my own understanding and beliefs to the course, I would've fucking failed it because I'd be like "why the fucking nationalism and discontent? Nonsense waste of precious time." That, as you can see is not very critical thinking. So I had to put all my feelings aside and fucking read about the issues being studied and trying to understand it from the course's point of view, the importance of these so called "issues" and the who, what, when, how and why.
So I was still quite nationalistic then. Was proud to be a Malaysian and would not want to be anything else because why would I? I didn't believe in the idea of war and shit but if I had to go to war to defend my country, I probably might. Not because I was such a fucking patriot but because hey, I'm Malaysian and if my country need me, I'll be there. Besides, when you're young and invincible and free of responsibilities, you'd do anything for a bit of action, why not do it for a worthy cause?
I remember my sister was quite the patriot back in those days and being the annoying younger sister, you always want to be just like your older sister. Not to mention that eventually in school, they sort of drum nationalism into you.
Then I met Nebs, I was still quite loyal to my country then. We talked about citizenship and I'd still rather be Malaysian then because I would not want to be anything else. Then Najib went and screwed the whole country up and I was ready to give up my Malaysian citizenship if need be. And I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only one. But there wasn't a need then, and thankfully, not anymore now.
My studies in search for the truth now probably didn't change my mind to my personal notions of nationalism and such. It has still remained the same in the sense that I don't think one's nationality should define oneself. To me, Malaysia now is just the place I was born and raised and where the food is really undeniably good. I can't really call it home because my family are not even there most of the time. Home will always be where I am now with my loving husband and beautiful kids, wherever the fuck we may be.
Having lived in Australia and now in Indonesia probably also opened up my eyes and mind. We've had to move so many times it's not even funny. Having to put our stuff in storage most of the time has taught me that we really don't need much material possessions to survive and be happy. If anything, the motto 'less is more' rings truer than ever when you live the life of a gypsy, which we sort of do.
And Kupang now teaching me more interesting and valuable lessons I might never learn anywhere else in the world - unless we move to some 4th world warring corner, which will be a different story for another day. Not only do we not have our possessions here, we can't even procure some of the stuff we regularly used. Here in Kupang, you simply learn to "make do without". And I'm not even talking about material things or civilized comforts. Clean water is what I'm talking about. The most basic necessity in this day and age. But Kupang is obviously not of this day and age. Then it makes me think about those really 4th world corners where it's a thousand times worse. At least we get decent drinkable water (I just try not to consider too much about the source. You know, whatever doesn't kill you...)
So in terms of the basic civilized comforts, Kupang probably get a 5 out of 10 and I'm being quite generous here. Anyhow, it doesn't even matter what Kupang or Barooga or KL scored because at the end of the day, you'll always learn to "make do" wherever you are because life really is about "making do" wherever you are. Nowadays, I won't be out fighting a war for my country because I'm already in constant battles with the kids. And I honestly think now from a grown up point of view, I really still don't give a fuck about what Hobbes thought was going to be the divide of the civilizations. Who fucking cares, we're too busy "making do".
"overcome our current life conditioning and to be able to see ourselves in a broader context. Thus, we are able to extract and recognise our essence from our current country, race, religion, gender, language, family position, social class and others; and we realise that we are the sum of all those experiences and not just the current states of being... Trying to look for an ideal common denominator of what to strive for, which goes beyond this one single life is also something OBE helps us with" -from Alexander deFoe's Consciousness Beyond The Body: Evidence and Reflections
So it got me thinking about where I stand in terms of these issues, especially the one about nationalization and I had to backtrack on a few lifetimes to see the evolution process of my opinion. Ok, maybe not a few lifetimes, but more like eras in this lifetime.
I remember the cough mixture episode when the Hindu God Brahma was explaining to me about how everything is one and I also strongly felt and understood that concept of one-ness. I was high then so the revelations obviously didn't count.
Then I took the course on nationalization and its discontent in uni and I didn't really applied it to myself personally because of the nature of the stupid course. If I applied my own understanding and beliefs to the course, I would've fucking failed it because I'd be like "why the fucking nationalism and discontent? Nonsense waste of precious time." That, as you can see is not very critical thinking. So I had to put all my feelings aside and fucking read about the issues being studied and trying to understand it from the course's point of view, the importance of these so called "issues" and the who, what, when, how and why.
So I was still quite nationalistic then. Was proud to be a Malaysian and would not want to be anything else because why would I? I didn't believe in the idea of war and shit but if I had to go to war to defend my country, I probably might. Not because I was such a fucking patriot but because hey, I'm Malaysian and if my country need me, I'll be there. Besides, when you're young and invincible and free of responsibilities, you'd do anything for a bit of action, why not do it for a worthy cause?
I remember my sister was quite the patriot back in those days and being the annoying younger sister, you always want to be just like your older sister. Not to mention that eventually in school, they sort of drum nationalism into you.
Then I met Nebs, I was still quite loyal to my country then. We talked about citizenship and I'd still rather be Malaysian then because I would not want to be anything else. Then Najib went and screwed the whole country up and I was ready to give up my Malaysian citizenship if need be. And I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only one. But there wasn't a need then, and thankfully, not anymore now.
My studies in search for the truth now probably didn't change my mind to my personal notions of nationalism and such. It has still remained the same in the sense that I don't think one's nationality should define oneself. To me, Malaysia now is just the place I was born and raised and where the food is really undeniably good. I can't really call it home because my family are not even there most of the time. Home will always be where I am now with my loving husband and beautiful kids, wherever the fuck we may be.
Having lived in Australia and now in Indonesia probably also opened up my eyes and mind. We've had to move so many times it's not even funny. Having to put our stuff in storage most of the time has taught me that we really don't need much material possessions to survive and be happy. If anything, the motto 'less is more' rings truer than ever when you live the life of a gypsy, which we sort of do.
And Kupang now teaching me more interesting and valuable lessons I might never learn anywhere else in the world - unless we move to some 4th world warring corner, which will be a different story for another day. Not only do we not have our possessions here, we can't even procure some of the stuff we regularly used. Here in Kupang, you simply learn to "make do without". And I'm not even talking about material things or civilized comforts. Clean water is what I'm talking about. The most basic necessity in this day and age. But Kupang is obviously not of this day and age. Then it makes me think about those really 4th world corners where it's a thousand times worse. At least we get decent drinkable water (I just try not to consider too much about the source. You know, whatever doesn't kill you...)
So in terms of the basic civilized comforts, Kupang probably get a 5 out of 10 and I'm being quite generous here. Anyhow, it doesn't even matter what Kupang or Barooga or KL scored because at the end of the day, you'll always learn to "make do" wherever you are because life really is about "making do" wherever you are. Nowadays, I won't be out fighting a war for my country because I'm already in constant battles with the kids. And I honestly think now from a grown up point of view, I really still don't give a fuck about what Hobbes thought was going to be the divide of the civilizations. Who fucking cares, we're too busy "making do".
Thursday, 22 November 2018
The 2 Consciousness
I remember now when I was trying to maintain awareness so as not to fall asleep the other day when attempting oobe, something very interesting happened. It seemed like my consciousness was split into two because I remember one part of my consciousness was trying to maintain awareness and it seem quite aware of what it was doing. The other part, was drifting off to sleep but wasn't quite in the sleep zone yet. It would be something like what Bob would call the free floating zone when thoughts are just loosely floating about and creating their own images or storyline. I remember thinking to myself how weird is that I'm fully focusing on two mental tasks at the same time and how cool was it.
Needless to say, I didn't end up oobeing for some unknown reason. But it's only a matter of time that I will be oobeing. I can feel it in my sleeps!!
Needless to say, I didn't end up oobeing for some unknown reason. But it's only a matter of time that I will be oobeing. I can feel it in my sleeps!!
Thursday, 11 October 2018
Inception
I've been having a lot of dreams which I can't be bothered much to remember because my aim is mainly to catch myself in my dreams and become aware so that I can proceed to the next phase. After many failed attempts, I finally managed to wake up in a dream last night or this morning and I was thinking to myself "Yahoo!! I did it!".
So I decided to go and visit Lam, because that was one of the things I intended to do when I achieve oobe. And so I was in Lam's room and everything was still weird but I gullibly believed in this dream inception that I was in his room. Only when I awoke from this dream within a dream that I realized the whole scenario in his room was just another dream! So I didn't bother to recall any details about the stupid dream.
Why?! I asked my asshole subconscious. Why not? Is the asshole answer I got. Well my subconscious may have won the battle this time but I'm one step closer to winning the war because I am now aware that my subconscious is an asshole and can take precautionary measures against being duped again in the future.
It gets a lot harder for me now that I can't even trust myself but I suppose it makes my work easier now because I know I can't trust myself.
So I decided to go and visit Lam, because that was one of the things I intended to do when I achieve oobe. And so I was in Lam's room and everything was still weird but I gullibly believed in this dream inception that I was in his room. Only when I awoke from this dream within a dream that I realized the whole scenario in his room was just another dream! So I didn't bother to recall any details about the stupid dream.
Why?! I asked my asshole subconscious. Why not? Is the asshole answer I got. Well my subconscious may have won the battle this time but I'm one step closer to winning the war because I am now aware that my subconscious is an asshole and can take precautionary measures against being duped again in the future.
It gets a lot harder for me now that I can't even trust myself but I suppose it makes my work easier now because I know I can't trust myself.
Wednesday, 26 September 2018
The Search for God
Nebs, So I was telling you about this dude with his blog, talking about a true spiritual awakening/ kundalini nonsense, it might not be nonsense but if what he says is true then I will never know if it really is nonsense because I have decided that it is nonsense to me. I'm no longer reading his crap because I find that he is repeating himself nonsensically. You of all people would understand that written words speaks from the heart more sincerely than spoken words. We take our time to grammar nazi ourselves when writing something down, not so much when we're trying to be bitchy verbally. Well, I find him quite bitchy in his blog posts and it would say a lot about someone based on their BLOG posts because he has all the time in the world to edit his bitchyness but he didn't which brings us to the conclusion that he really think so highly of himself. We have no time for people like such.
Besides, it's fucking crazy. I mean having some spiritual awakening without having control over your own body!? That's just like a another mushroom high! Maybe even worse because it's self induced. Why would I want to do that? I have not forgotten that the reason why I chose this path is because I have temporarily denounce the junkie path. And the reason why I temporarily denounced the junkie path is because I have no control over myself if I go that way. I believe there is a way I can get there without losing control over myself and I will keep searching and I will find the true path and you will be there with me 100%
I won't go anywhere without you nebs because we're in this together
Besides, it's fucking crazy. I mean having some spiritual awakening without having control over your own body!? That's just like a another mushroom high! Maybe even worse because it's self induced. Why would I want to do that? I have not forgotten that the reason why I chose this path is because I have temporarily denounce the junkie path. And the reason why I temporarily denounced the junkie path is because I have no control over myself if I go that way. I believe there is a way I can get there without losing control over myself and I will keep searching and I will find the true path and you will be there with me 100%
I won't go anywhere without you nebs because we're in this together
Wednesday, 12 September 2018
Philosophy 101
Any students of philosophy would be very familiar with the conundrum of the scenario whereby your plane crashed and there are survivors and your mom decided to die so that you can eat her and live on. What would you do?
Back in those days when I was actually studying philosophy and very naive too, I must say, my answer was firmly that of course I'd fucking eat her. She sacrificed her life so that I may have some chance of survival so that I may continue living my life and do whatever I have to do in this life. If I don't eat her, she'd have died in vain.
But that was back in the day. Today, my answer is the total opposite. I would not eat her, not because it's unethical to be cannibalistic (it's no longer the issue here anymore, see) but because I know that this life is not the only life and it's definitely not the be all and end all.
How and why, you might ask. I have no fucking idea. All I know is that I have searched and searched for the answers my whole fucking life. Yes, really from as early as I can remember. Maybe not searching for the meaning to life at age 3 but possibly something along those lines. Why does life have to happen the way it does? Why do we not always get what we want? Why do I have to be parted with my beloved Yimama? What does it mean now, my life without her? Who are these strangers who claim to be my family?
I never got any answers and neither do I have the answers now but what I did gain was some sort of understanding. Understanding comes when you learn not to judge. My favorite saying of all time is "don't judge when you don't understand because when you do understand, you won't be judging" That's putting yourself in other people's shoes, literally. When you have lived their lives and experienced what they've experienced, you would not be inclined to judge them. Very hard to live their lives but easy enough to just simply imagine.
Sympathy is when you can't put yourself in their situation but you can imagine what it's like and you can feel sorry for them. Empathy is when you have lived their lives and know exactly how it feels for them and therefore you can empathize. Is it even possible to empathize then, since we all only have this one life? I don't know, can you empathize with the protagonist/antagonist of a movie? Did you cried when Jack died in Titanic or some such case? Of course it's possible! The question here is have you tried hard enough? Is it even worth your while and time to empathize with another human being within close proximity?
Movies are awesome, that's how we learn in our current state of mind. If it's possible for us to be so moved by a scene in a movie, knowing that it's not real life (and it's really not real life, guys), how is it possible for us NOT to be moved by a real life scenario happening before our eyes? Can we not spare a moment from our ever so important lives to just take a glimpse into our neighbour's life? I don't mean this by snooping into their lives to find out juicy gossips etc but as a concerned citizen. Within love.
So anyway, my choice today of not wanting or going to eat my mom after that plane crash is because I KNOW that there is a life after this life. This death is just the beginning of something else that is so wonderful that our current state of mind cannot even comprehend. The reason for my oobe and all these nonsense is to prove this but alas, I have not been successful in doing such, I may never be successful but the point is that I just know in my heart.
I've been advocating the heart to my family lately. You have your thinking brain and your knowing heart. Which one should you listen to? Some major tragedy happens in your family, say for instance someone died. Do you get a heartache or a headache? Brain is the head and it will tell you all kinds of nonsense. What education is doing is to train your brain. You need to learn to think critically to write your dissertations. You have to first come up with some theorem for your dissertation or whatever ( I have no idea because I never graduated with a degree but I did finish writing class of some sort (I was high)) and then you have to use your brains to support your theory. I learnt in psychology that confirmational biased is possible. If you go seeking for an answer with an agenda, you will definitely suffer from confirmation biased because you're seeking with a tunnel vision. You can find all kinds of answers to support your theorem or whatever comes before some theory. Because you were actively seeking for it and therefore your brain will just simply disregard any other information that does not confirm with your line of thinking.
What's the difference between the would be graduate and seeker of truth? I am a seeker of truth. Still seeking. The difference is that I don't already have a theory I'm trying to prove. I read stuff, I hear stuff, I experience stuff and I take them all in. I don't have an agenda I'm trying to prove. Not in my intellectual mind at least. But I do come upon some stuff in my seeking that resonates with the heart. The heart as we know it is without agenda except for love. Love is where the heart is so listen to your heart if love is what you seek. And love should be what you should be seeking. What's the meaning of life? My answer when I was ready to make a mom stew was just love for the people around you. That came from the heart. I don't want to make a mom stew now because I'm speaking from my heart and not my brain but I still stand by my answer to the meaning of life. It's really just about love. For me at least.
Back in those days when I was actually studying philosophy and very naive too, I must say, my answer was firmly that of course I'd fucking eat her. She sacrificed her life so that I may have some chance of survival so that I may continue living my life and do whatever I have to do in this life. If I don't eat her, she'd have died in vain.
But that was back in the day. Today, my answer is the total opposite. I would not eat her, not because it's unethical to be cannibalistic (it's no longer the issue here anymore, see) but because I know that this life is not the only life and it's definitely not the be all and end all.
How and why, you might ask. I have no fucking idea. All I know is that I have searched and searched for the answers my whole fucking life. Yes, really from as early as I can remember. Maybe not searching for the meaning to life at age 3 but possibly something along those lines. Why does life have to happen the way it does? Why do we not always get what we want? Why do I have to be parted with my beloved Yimama? What does it mean now, my life without her? Who are these strangers who claim to be my family?
I never got any answers and neither do I have the answers now but what I did gain was some sort of understanding. Understanding comes when you learn not to judge. My favorite saying of all time is "don't judge when you don't understand because when you do understand, you won't be judging" That's putting yourself in other people's shoes, literally. When you have lived their lives and experienced what they've experienced, you would not be inclined to judge them. Very hard to live their lives but easy enough to just simply imagine.
Sympathy is when you can't put yourself in their situation but you can imagine what it's like and you can feel sorry for them. Empathy is when you have lived their lives and know exactly how it feels for them and therefore you can empathize. Is it even possible to empathize then, since we all only have this one life? I don't know, can you empathize with the protagonist/antagonist of a movie? Did you cried when Jack died in Titanic or some such case? Of course it's possible! The question here is have you tried hard enough? Is it even worth your while and time to empathize with another human being within close proximity?
Movies are awesome, that's how we learn in our current state of mind. If it's possible for us to be so moved by a scene in a movie, knowing that it's not real life (and it's really not real life, guys), how is it possible for us NOT to be moved by a real life scenario happening before our eyes? Can we not spare a moment from our ever so important lives to just take a glimpse into our neighbour's life? I don't mean this by snooping into their lives to find out juicy gossips etc but as a concerned citizen. Within love.
So anyway, my choice today of not wanting or going to eat my mom after that plane crash is because I KNOW that there is a life after this life. This death is just the beginning of something else that is so wonderful that our current state of mind cannot even comprehend. The reason for my oobe and all these nonsense is to prove this but alas, I have not been successful in doing such, I may never be successful but the point is that I just know in my heart.
I've been advocating the heart to my family lately. You have your thinking brain and your knowing heart. Which one should you listen to? Some major tragedy happens in your family, say for instance someone died. Do you get a heartache or a headache? Brain is the head and it will tell you all kinds of nonsense. What education is doing is to train your brain. You need to learn to think critically to write your dissertations. You have to first come up with some theorem for your dissertation or whatever ( I have no idea because I never graduated with a degree but I did finish writing class of some sort (I was high)) and then you have to use your brains to support your theory. I learnt in psychology that confirmational biased is possible. If you go seeking for an answer with an agenda, you will definitely suffer from confirmation biased because you're seeking with a tunnel vision. You can find all kinds of answers to support your theorem or whatever comes before some theory. Because you were actively seeking for it and therefore your brain will just simply disregard any other information that does not confirm with your line of thinking.
What's the difference between the would be graduate and seeker of truth? I am a seeker of truth. Still seeking. The difference is that I don't already have a theory I'm trying to prove. I read stuff, I hear stuff, I experience stuff and I take them all in. I don't have an agenda I'm trying to prove. Not in my intellectual mind at least. But I do come upon some stuff in my seeking that resonates with the heart. The heart as we know it is without agenda except for love. Love is where the heart is so listen to your heart if love is what you seek. And love should be what you should be seeking. What's the meaning of life? My answer when I was ready to make a mom stew was just love for the people around you. That came from the heart. I don't want to make a mom stew now because I'm speaking from my heart and not my brain but I still stand by my answer to the meaning of life. It's really just about love. For me at least.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)